ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
