Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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