why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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