On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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