And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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