He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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