he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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