I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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