This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
