My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
