when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
