i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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