Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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