...so i touched it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
soo... how was my night?
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