3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
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