I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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