He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
