Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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