Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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