guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
