i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
