You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm too high and old for this...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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