So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
