His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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