Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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