I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
