So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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