So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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