or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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