You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
