I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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