did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
