It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
