Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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