he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
