Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you made out with another girl for some wings
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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