listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
