i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
