i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
