Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
