"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
