I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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