i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How does it feel to date your dad?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
