I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
