just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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