why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
