My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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