He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
