I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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