Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
