we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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